Unbusinessy




Ensure Your Business Survives the Zombie ApocalypseCartoon: Zombies invade business

By Jeffrey Baumgartner

How to Ensure Your Business Survives the Zombie Apocalypse

By Jeffrey Baumgartner

Is your business prepared for a global zombie apocalypse? If not, you should be. A zombie apocalypse could result in vast damage to your business, many of your employees being eaten and a significant drop in your share price.

Fortunately, the zombie apocalypse need not be the end of the world - provided you are prepared. Here are some essential tips to ensure the undead don't devastate your business.

Prioritise People − But Only the Right People

Your people are your most important asset. But, let us be honest. Some of those people are way more useful and cost effective than others.

In the event that a mob of zombies attacks your organisation, your first line of defense should be management consultants − not because they are particularly good fighters, but because they are not on your payroll, are usually insured separately and, let us be honest here, the world would not suffer greatly from the loss of a few management consultants.

Your second line of defense should employees you would dismiss if labour laws were more friendly in your jurisdiction. This simple step could save you a lot of hassle the next time the economy tanks and you would normally need to lay off a few people.

Next in your line of defense should be temporary workers who are typically employed by an agency that is responsible for their salary, insurance and explaining to their loved ones that they've been devoured by zombies. This just makes things easier for you.

You may believe that interns would also be dispensable; and a few years ago you would have been right. But, these days, it is politically incorrect to be careless with interns.

Recommended action: place consultants unwanted employees and agency temps near main entrances in your buildings.

Weapons

Jeffrey wields chainsawIf you have paid attention to the literature on zombie apocalypses (in particular, George A. Romero's fine zombie documentaries films), you will know that shooting a zombie is pointless. At best it won't feel a thing. At worst, you will irritate it and it will eat you. Instead, you need to lop a zombie's head off if you want to kill it. Anything else just makes a mess and increases danger to you.

Traditionalists recommend using an axe to decapitate a zombie. However, swinging an axe is harder work than most people realise, particularly if they have been neglecting their gym memberships. I feel a chainsaw is better weapon. It requires less brute strength and, if you are lucky, one long swing can take down multiple zombies. Needless-to-say, use a petrol (gasoline) engine chainsaw rather than an electrical one. If the power goes out during the invasion, an electrical chainsaw is about as useful as a toothbrush for slaughtering zombies.

Recommended action: be sure to keep well maintained, petrol engine chainsaws in the executive suite and other key locations in your buildings. Hire a lumberjack to teach the management team how to use it.

Preventative Measures

According to the literature, a zombie apocalypse would almost certainly be the result of a mutant viral infection. Fortunately, unless you run a pharmaceutical company, you are unlikely to have employees messing with mutant viruses on your premises, so there is little danger of the zombie infection starting inside your company. If you do run a pharma company, however, you should locate your R&D division in a separate building far away from HQ and hire a management consultant to run it.

Even if your company is not involved in pharmaceuticals, you are not safe. Not at all! Employees could become infected at home, while out with friends or while participating in the sort of naughty activities we all know go on at professional seminars and conferences. So, remind your employees to stay home if they are seriously ill, particularly if they experience symptoms such as rotting flesh, uncontrolled rage and a desire to eat colleagues' brains.

Tip: if your employees show early signs of becoming zombies, tell them to pretend to be eager customers and send them to your competitors' offices. By the time they are through security and in your competitor's buildings, your infected employees should be full-blown zombie and start eating your competitors' employees.

 Of course, your competitors may also be reading this article, so if your sales team is ever visited by prospective clients whose flesh is falling off, be wary. Be very wary.

Recommended action: keep potentially infected employees out of your office, but encourage them to visit competitors.

Exploitation

A major assumption we make about zombies is that they are only capable of causing havoc, eating people's brains and smelling bad. However, I believe that with proper training, zombies could be taught to perform intellectually undemanding tasks such as cleaning, carrying heavy objects and preparing PowerPoint presentations.

Better still, because zombies are considered corpses in most jurisdictions, they are exempt from labour laws – meaning you could employ a team of zombies for little cost beyond that of providing basic meals of human brains − in other words, only slightly more than you pay interns, but zombies are less likely to whine about inhumane treatment.

Recommended action: if you work with a training services provider, enquire about their experience in training zombies. Also, check with your canteen service about the availability of brains.

Be Prepared

Being prepared for the zombie apocalypse does not require a lot of action and it is worth it. It could make all the difference between your company surviving the onslaught and a zombie, who was once your best marketing manager, sucking your brains out through your ears.

 

Be Really Prepared (Self-Promotion)

The theme of this article makes for a highly entertaining keynote talk that could save your and your colleagues' lives in the event of a zombie invasion. If you want to liven up an event and stimulate people's creativity,  I suggest you contact me sooner rather than later or learn more about this and other workshops and keynotes here!

This talk could also form the basis of an interactive workshop on being prepared for unpredictable challenges. Get in touch to discuss.

 

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